Trigger warning: Depression
Good greetings. I hope all of you wonderful people are doing well. I was a bit unsure of whether to post this but I just wanted to share this with you guys. Lately, I've been feeling super depressed. I have my own mental health issues which exacerbates it as well and my traumas and family issues so that just restricts me a lot you can say. I've had a lot of horrible interactions with people in life and online as well so I'm just sick and tired of always having to deal with all this negativity in my life. I know some people would suggest and give me advices on how to approach these issues but I actually don't really like hearing advices from people. I'm very uncomfortable in that matter of mental health issues so that's why I try not to make posts regarding asking for any kind of advice from anyone even though I do know the intent is to help and support the other person but with me, it's quite different. I get triggered by any sort of advice and it makes me really irritated and it affects my mental health in a bad way as well. In some of the groups where I had posted, I was met with a lot of judgement, invalidation, misinterpretation and uncomfortable experiences. I know I have made some posts requesting if there's anyone who could be kind enough and who meets my certain requirements of friendship and support can be there for me. But, honestly I've sort of given up on it as well. I have been alone for some time and I don't know if I want to be alone. I have the support of a lot of kind people and I'm very grateful for them. I appreciate their kindness a lot. But at the same time, it gets so overwhelming for me with all these negative experiences I keep on having that it just destroys me completely. For some people when I am talking to them, I can't share everything with them not because I don't trust them but because I feel like sharing these things with them, might affect them in a bad way and this has happened with a few people as well and they misunderstood me due to which I had to distance myself from them. It's really frustrating and difficult to live like this. The only solution I want from this is the company of decent, non vulgar, kind hearted, non judgemental, selfless, compassionate, philosophically aware, highly intellectual individuals who can understand and care about me. I know it sounds like I'm going overboard. I know that but it's just that I don't wish to talk to anyone and interact with anyone who doesn't have these things in them. I know people will tell me that I'm being selfish that way but I'm actually not. Most of my bad interactions have been with people who were judgemental, controlling, manipulative, demanding, vulgar, misunderstanding, high tempered, quick to assume and doubtful. Also, with the interactions I've had online because that is the only place I feel comfortable with to interact with people, I've found out that with some people who are either married or in a relationship, they begin to have issues with me and start to doubt me which makes me so much ashamed and miserable about myself. It is never my intention to cause issues for people but everyone is so quick to doubt and assume things. This hasn't happened with everyone whom I've talked to but with some people it has happened and it's just devastated me. Those experiences were absolutely disgusting. With everything going on like this, my mind doesn't even wants to think about the better possibilities and I'm always stuck here wondering if those interactions are ever going to happen in my life. I am at a point where I guess I really dont care about myself anymore. People will tell me and give me all these advices and I appreciate them but I honestly don't want them. I dont want any advice neither am I looking for them. I'm looking for those friendship and support. I know that won't cure my state but them being there for me might just help me get out of this isolation. Apologies for making this such a long post I hope I don't get to send any kind of wrong message through it. Take care everyone and have a wonderful day.