Trigger warning: OCD and Loneliness
Good greetings everyone. I hope all of you wonderful people are doing great. I am going to make this a long post so I apologise for any inconvenience and I hope I don't send any kind of wrong message through it. So I've been suffering from OCD for maybe more than 10 years and just this past year, I've found out about these Facebook groups where I am able to interact with others and gain more information about stuff regarding my mental health. It's been very helpful but it's also been quite detrimental for me as well as I've had a lot of bad interactions with people and some were absolutely horrible. Honestly, tonight I just feel like I want to cry. It is extremely difficult to cope with this isolation and even though a lot of people have contacted me through these groups, I've blocked so many of them as I've had bad interactions with so many of these people and they couldn't even understand what I am going through and their attitude seems so much invalidating that it really frustrates me. I try my best to always be nice to people, to always respect them but all the time, I'm the only one who has to suffer from these things. It is very hard to maintaing my sanity at this point. It's very difficult or nearly impossible for me to not care about what others think and say about me because it does affect me a lot. I've made a lot of posts requesting for decent, highly intellectual, philosophically aware, understanding, compassionate, serious minded and caring individuals. I know I might sound like I'm going overboard with this but it's the truth. I don't wish to talk to anyone who doesn't meet these requirements. Because I don't feel comfortable with so many people and that's why I limit my interactions with so many people. For so many years, people have told me that my OCD is not that big of a deal and that it is easy for me to overcome this. It is so much frustrating to hear those kind of invalidating statements from people. Since my main theme is contamination, a lot of people think that I don't really suffer at all and I'm just overstressing myself by just imagining the worst things possible but I know that that's not true at all. It seems so depressing. I thought that maybe if I try to make these posts and request people if they could be comfortable enough to let me contact them and be able to share things with them but I was so wrong mostly. As most of those people, I've had to block unfortunately. My OCD is getting better but this isolation and loneliness, it's getting worse and it's eating me from inside. I've had people betray my trust, friendship, humanity and compassion in the worst ways possible. I can't trust anyone anymore. And my OCD does get affected a lot by these bad interactions that's why I am absolutely not comfortable with being in company of those people. No one, I guess, understands me here. I don't know what to say anymore. As I don't want to say the wrong thing and hurt anyone. People have hurt me so much but that doesn't mean I have to hurt them. I'm not like them. I am different. And I wish to be humble and unique. Which I try my best to be as I am. I can't expect anything from anyone now. I know it's pointless to. But, if there's that person out there. That person who meets all those requirements that I mentioned above. If you're out there. Please let me know where you are. Please let me be your friend and allow me to share stuff with you. Please allow me to feel comfortable with you. Please let me make you feel comfortable with me so you can share your struggles and stories with me. Please be there.