(this might be dark for some) facebook isnt really my place to post and type everything all the time because usually my family thinks bad about it but i dont even care anymore because if you have a problem with what is going on in my head, you are not real family whether thats rude or not. many of you know i suffer from depression and recently i dont know where it stands. im happy with that one person. they make me laugh & help me cherish the little things in life. they have given me a more positive outlook on life but, i know its true happiness but the happiness, i feel is, pausing my depression. as soon as i get home, i break down. all my problems come crushing down on me, all my responsibilities and all my bad thoughts creep into my head and honestly, makes me want to disappear some times. i dont wanna die in such, but i dont wanna exist either. i wish i could just flick a switch to leave reality for as long as i wish, and switch it back on when im ready to come back. i suppose that switch in real life is permanent, life or death. im pretty sure i know my purpose, which that person has tried helping me figure out for a little while. i think my purpose for being on this earth is to simply, save people. not in the medical aspect but in a , saving people from their demons aspect. saving people from suicide essentially. which ive been doing since i was little kid. and at this point, doing it for so long has drained me & i know i should always put myself first but ive always been the person to put myself last. always putting everyones needs before mine because i dont wanna come off selfish, self entitled or a bitch. i just want a release. but its a problem. nothing is essentially wrong with my life. i have a great special someone in my life, i have- thats really it. my grades have slipped, i have no friends honestly, no money, no future essentially. for many of you know, i had a big bright future but since middle school, my entire life has changed in the worst way. i made terrible mistakes, hung out with a terrible, toxic friend group. im honestly on my own accept for the 1 person in my life. despite having a pause from my depression, and having feeling of it getting better. , i still feel broken. thats the best way to describe it. im not sure why im broken or why cant my brain just balance so im happy 24/7. i have had some traumatic experiences in my life but i dont get why those would make me who i am today. i dont think ill ever get it. i was bullied & used & self harmed my entire middle school years. i had lost all of my friends, gained some, and lost everyone again. im perfectly comfortable with that one person i have right now, im just saying. but then again, adults have no idea how bad child on child hate is. so yeah, broken. something about me must be broken. because in theory, im perfect. everyone makes me out to seem this perfect girl who has good grades, lots of friends, likeable, is spoiler. so why should a teenager who "has it all" not want to exist anymore? in a strange way im alone, alone in my head and im starting to feel that i make my loneliness self-enforced. at this point im just rambling- ill stop there and if you have anything negative to say, keep it to yourself cause it will not he tolerated. i have someone very special to me i talk to all the time about how i think i feel & their always there for me and are always willing to give me advice & make me feel better. they know who they are <3